Hello people, as many of you may have known, I’m not in KL. As I’m writing this down there are birds singing in my ear with irregular gentle breeze nudging the bamboo wind-chime for a spot of minimal gamelan. I’m on a lazy chair on the balcony with a ceiling fan over my head. There’s coffee on the table, half-drunk and placed on top of a pile of newspapers – the Daily Express, which proclaims itself as the “Independent National Newspaper of East Malaysia.”

There’s no Daily Express today but there’s wireless internet, so my morning coffee didn’t go stale without a dose of the bizarre world we’re all living in today. According to the International Herald Tribune, Santa Claus went on a rampage in a Los Angeles suburb, killing six people at the gathering of his in-laws, burnt the house down and turned the gun on himself.

On the other side of the city, a plastic surgeon to the rich and famous has successfully converted his fuel-guzzling 4×4 to run on fat, human fat that is. To be precise, it’s “fat removed from clients during liposuction” – basically he sucked out tonnes of fat from your beloved Hollywood movie stars and pumped it into his gas tank as fuel. That means he has Jack Black, Eddie Murphy, Oprah and Farah Fawcett turning the pistons and cranking up the horsepower.

I do wonder when will this technology would arrive here so we can start having a bit of Sharizat and Rafidah in our tanks! I bet some enterprising Umnoputras are already on the case, signing MOUs with the wives and local surgeons, prepping the media with a cemerlang kitar-semula campaign.

By the rate I’ve been gorging myself with food these past few days, I may be able to contribute to the noble cause. Unless I can burn it off at the upcoming PROLETAR show on Sunday. Hopefully I can go there anonymously so I can be that “silly old twat” in the pit without feeling too self-conscious.

Heve a good day people!